Kane County Divorce Lawyer : Six reasons It’s Easy to be Trapped by a Narcissist

One of the questions I asked myself again and again, especially during my protracted divorce, was how I managed to choose such a person as a partner and how did I not see who he was. It’s not exactly an original question since the 20/20 hindsight you acquire after a relationship is over—the field of red flags that look like poppies in late spring, the click of the puzzle pieces as they fall in to place, the recall of the oh-so-obvious behaviors—is enough to make any thinking woman or man descend into self-blame.

But the fact is that there are reasons a narcissist is good at fooling most, if not all, of us. Some will wise up sooner than others and get out when the going is good, and others won’t. Here’s the skinny on what science knows about these guys and gals. For ease and to avoid the he/she awkwardness, I refer to the narcissist as a male but women are narcissists too so just switch up the pronouns.

1. He/she appears to be confident and strong

Yes, these people are great at self-presentation which is why, initially at least, they are so attractive. Many are actually good-looking and in good shape (they care about themselves first and foremost, don’t forget) and they can ooze charm.  Success matters to the narcissist—or, at least, the appearance of success— and he’ll show evidence of one or the other so that’s part of the turn-on too. A study conducted in Germany had guys go out into the street and talk to twenty-five women who were total strangers; the goal was to get as many women as possible to fork over contact information like name. email address, and phone number. Guess who far outperformed all the other men? Yes, those who tested highest on narcissistic characteristics. Additionally, when researchers canvassed those women and asked about the contact, it was the narcissist who was considered the most charming and attractive.

2. He/she appears to be accommodating

While many descriptions of narcissistic behavior would have you imagine someone who begins every sentence with “I” and demands that everything be done his way, it’s actually more complicated than that. You don’t fall for it because you’re stupid but because you misread his motivation. In his book Rethinking Narcissism, Dr. Craig Malkin underscores the way the narcissist exercises stealth control, explaining that since he thinks of himself as not depending on or needing anyone, he doesn’t want to ask for things so he doesn’t.  In truth, you’re actually doing what he wants most of the time at first and then all of the time but you don’t really notice. He has ways of making this happen—coming up with something “better” when you’ve made plans, deciding to treat you to a French dinner instead of the Chinese you wanted because it’s more “special,” suddenly changing plans because “spontaneity is the key to life”—and you think, “Oh, how lovely.” It takes many of us considerable time to notice that our wants and needs have gotten lost in the shuffle. Oh, and add in the fact that narcissists like thinking of themselves as nice guys so they may actually do nice things for you and be generous in various ways. The problem? It’s for them, not you, and it can—and will—stop on a dime at the first sign of conflict. And be thrown in your face if you dare to try to discuss your problems as proof that what’s wrong is you, not him. But it takes time to see the patterns clearly.

3. He/she puts you on a pedestalAccording to Craig Malkin, the narcissist needs to believe he/she is special and so, in the logical scheme of things, so must you be or he wouldn’t be with you.  And if your narcissist falls short of putting you on a pedestal, you may notice that at the beginning at least, he is full of praise which is, of course, flattering. (Oh, if I only had a dollar for every time my ex told me “I am the luckiest man in the world.”) Once again, this isn’t really about you—because no matter how great you are, you’ve got flaws like the rest of us—but about the narcissist’s need for a reflective surface

4. He/she seduces you with the roller-coaster ride relationshipThe seduction of the highs and lows in a relationship that looks like a grand passion is the narcissist’s specialty. Alas, this fits into some of the most mistaken ideas many people have about romantic love, and you may find yourself saying things like “Isn’t quarreling part of love, after all?” Or “Isn’t disagreement part of what happens when two independent spirits get together?” And to add to these rationalizations, you’ll then just focus on the hot make-up sex.  (It’s unclear when dependence became a dirty word and the idea of a perfect relationship became two self-sufficent planets circling each other. As the work of Brooke Feeney makes clear, when people are securely attached, dependence on another person actually increases their independence and ability to expand and grow. Dependence can be healthy instead of enabling.)Once again, Craig Malkin explains the confusion of a narcissist’s drama with a lover’s passion simply and clearly from a psychological point of view which is to say, as he does, “Romantic uncertainty often turns us on.” (If you doubt it, just watch a re-run of Sex and The City and watch the chemistry between Mr. Big and Carrie.) His point is that we get aroused by feelings of jealousy, anger, and anxiety—and it may not, from a physical point of view, feel all that different from the arousal of passion. (Mind you, this is emotional arousal, not the sexual kind.) So the trap is set…And you’re probably willing to walk into it, at least for a time.