Published on: March 1, 2022

Illinois Divorce: Use the BIFF Method in Communications

A big part of my Firm’s approach to divorce law practice is helping clients navigate communications with a High Conflict Personality (HCP). Many times, the Court will order that the parties limit communication to online monitored platforms like “Our Family Wizard” or “Talking Parents,” but regardless of the platform, difficult, angry, offensive or high conflict narratives can emerge in this messaging from one side. Too often the impulse is to respond in kind, but this kind of like-kind response is almost always counterproductive. Bill Eddy is a longstanding expert in managing High Conflict personalities, and one of his most popular methodologies for managing communications with a HCP is the following:

KEY POINTS

Brief: It helps to keep it to one paragraph, three to five sentences.

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Published on: October 16, 2021

Alienation in the Parent Child Relationship

By Michael Roe

From an article posted today on Dr. Michael Bone’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/drjmichaelbone

I think the interest in this is related to the difficulty in identifying if parental alienation is going on or if it is not. To this very day, when I am contacted by a parent or attorney about a case where parental alienation is believed to be present, I still rely on these four criteria to satisfy myself that such may likely be the case. While the template that these criteria is not foolproof, it is at least some sort of reasonably and reliable measure to assist in the ruling in or ruling out of its presence.

But enough backstory. The subject of today’s post is the third criteria, Deterioration in the Relationship between the Targeted Parent and the Child(ren).

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Published on: July 7, 2021

Divorce and the Narcissist

By Michael Roe

My Illinois Divorce Blog focuses on a variety of subjects, including the means by which to manage divorce and child custody with a toxic narcissist. I can say that almost every day, I receive a message that sounds like this that came today:

Message: I’m separated from a narcissist and he is constantly violating orders and trying to alienate my child from me. Now they are forcing me to go to court to face him in 2 days and I’m terrified. It will only make it worse. I need help. No one understands but I read your blog and you may be the only lawyer that understands.

Additional Details

From Page:

https://www.illinoisdivorcelawyerblog.com/amp/illinois-divorce-empaths-marriages-narcissists/

This message is from someone being harmed by both the toxic narcissist in her life, and well as possibly by her local court system ( I get many calls each month from people outside of Illinois that need help, and I try answer most all of these calls with some help, resources like Bill Eddy’s Splitting book, and a lawyer referral if needed). For over 25 years, my practice has focused, in large part, on psychological issues in divorce, and issues that affect the wellbeing of the children of marriages involving personality disorders.

Published on: May 6, 2021

Illinois Divorce Lawyer: Divorcing at an older age

By Michael Roe

Bill and Melinda Gates — known around the world as tech and charitable titans — are splitting after 27 years of marriage, at the ages of 65 and 56, respectively.

a man and a woman sitting on a bench
Credit: Alessandra Malito Market Watch

Divorcing at an older age has become increasingly common. This phenomenon, called “gray divorce,” could be the result of a few factors, including the lessening of a stigma around divorce in general, longer life expectancies and differing opinions on what to do with the rest of one’s life.

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Published on: September 9, 2020

Illinois Divorce: Divorce After a Long Marriage

By Michael Roe

7 Key Facts About Divorce After Long Marriages

When an older couple divorces, perhaps after many years of marriage, theories and rumors may swirl around them as extended family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and casual acquaintances all struggle to make sense of the split.

Not long after a lifelong friend of mine left his wife of more than 40 years, a mutual friend was quick with assumptions and questions. “Are you going through a belated midlife crazy?” he asked. “Is there another woman? Are you getting a red sports car?” And he laughed uneasily, amazed that our friend, a devoted family man, would do such a radical thing on the verge of turning 70.

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Published on: July 8, 2019

Illinois Divorce: Summer and Divorce Planning

By Michael Roe

Reading up today on divorce planning, the reminder was made that the summer is often the time that many people postpone thoughts of divorce. The reasons for this are many. Business during the summer with activities takes the attention away from difficult subjects like divorce. For many parents, it’s just enough making sure that the kids are having a good summer, and that summer trips or vacations are being taken before the kids go back to school.

Even if you are already decided that you wish to file for divorce, there are a number of things that you can do to make the eventual decision easier. None of these steps are disruptive, and the you and the children will enjoy the summer without thoughts of disruption or change. Here are a few themes to focus on during the summer:

1. Understand your financial position. It’s important to have access to financial records during the divorce process. It can be helpful to try to assemble as much of this information as is possible, so that when you meet with our office. we can have a general discussion of financial planning in the divorce process. Take a look at http://www.illinoiscourts.gov/forms/approved/divorce/financial_affidavit.asp in order to review the form that is now universally used in Illinois divorce cases as a guide for the lawyers and judges is assessing the financial condition of the parties.

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Published on: July 25, 2018

Theories of the High-Conflict Case: Abuse Allegations

By Michael Roe

FAMILY LAW: 3 Theories of the High-Conflict Case

I do a lot of consulting to family lawyers and their clients (often on the phone together), as well as many self-representing people in family court cases. These often involve high-conflict custody and access issues, although finances can also be involved. One of the biggest problems I keep seeing is that many family law professionals (lawyers, judges, mediators, evaluators, counselors, etc.) have a presumption in high-conflict cases. Here are the three most common presumptions:

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Published on: April 13, 2018

Illinois Divorce: Parental Alienation: What Can a Parent Do?

By Michael Roe

Parental Alienation: What Can an Alienated Parent Do?

Credit: Susan Heitler Ph.D.

Resolution, Not Conflict

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Published on: April 12, 2018

Illinois Divorce: High Conflict Institute and Preparing for a High Conflict Divorce

By Michael Roe

” Is your partner emotionally explosive, regularly picking fights, and blaming others for all their troubles? Bill Eddy sheds light on how to manage conflict and communication with a high conflict person.”

https://www.modernseparations.com/podcast/04

Christina: What type of preparation do you recommend?

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Published on: February 9, 2018

Illinois Divorce: Eight Ways a Narcissist Isolates their Partner

By Michael Roe

I stumbled upon this article this week and thought it helpful to all that are dealing with the isolation that being in a relationship with a toxic narcissist causes. So much of the narcissist “gamebook” has to do with control. Many narcisisist feel a strong and toxic need to control those in their families. Even in divorce proceedings, the need for control is paramount, including control over the children or the finances. If you are in a divorce posture and need good advice about mananging these toxic personalities in a divorce or child custody case, these kinds of issues are what my Firm has focused on for decades. Here are some examples from this article from MindBodyGreen:

” He or she isolates you from your longtime friends and family.

A sophisticated narcissist doesn’t explicitly forbid you to spend time with the people who are important to you. Instead, they might charm these people, and says things like, “She’s cool; I like her.” But later on, they might say something like “She’s really shallow—I’m not sure she’s good for you.”

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