No parent wants to imagine a day when your child would refuse to speak to you. But estrangements between parents and adult children may be more common than you think. One expert calls it a “silent epidemic.”
Click here to watch the video.
Parental Alienation – A Corrosive Legacy By Judge Michele Lowrance
I have been a judge on the divorce bench for 16 years, and have watched the wreckage of the corrosive legacy of parental alienation and visitation interference play out over decades. We have no statistics for measuring this group, because the victims are too vast. But the concentric circles include the children, their children and the extended family as well. The declaration of war by one parent on another creates radioactive fallout, which contaminates for generations.
The alienating parent treats the target parent like a disease in the child that must be removed. They make the child’s survival contingent upon such removal. So the child must extricate the parent without the privilege of grieving the loss. These are crippling circumstances.
According to Alan Kemp in his book Abuse in the Family, domestic violence is defined as “A form of maltreatment perpetrated by a person with whom the victim has or had a close personal relationship.”
Says Joan T. Kloth-Zanard, RSS, LC: “This book is just one of many textbooks used to teach students and professionals about psychological maltreatment and the categories that make it up. Whether one believes in the term parental alienation or not, the following criteria helps to show that certain behavior perpetrated by a parent can cause a child to withdraw their love from the other parent. For the sake of this article, we will term this abuse as aggressive parenting.
Nine Signs of Aggressive Parenting:
By Kimberly Nichols
It was a glorious Southern California day in the beachside Balboa Park in San Diego as I sat in a flowering position on a yoga mat with 1,000 other people in the grass to hear renowned Buddhist Thich Nat Han deliver a talk on peace. After his discussion, he invited members of the audience to the stage to discuss difficult issues in their lives. One man walked up with trepidation and proceeded to tell us, with pain in his voice, about his current struggles with his ex-wife.
“I only see my son once every two weeks,” he described. “He spends the first full day of our visits locked in his room away from me and finally comes out to engage with me on the second day, at which time he proceeds to interact with me the same way my ex-wife does. It is clear that in his mom’s home, he is constantly fed grief and anger towards me. My wife’s projections onto him about her disappointments in our own relationship are so strong that my son has begun to view me in the same way that she does. By the end of our visit, when he finally warms up to me enough to crack a smile, it’s time for him to go home. What do I do to ease this situation without feeding in to the drama my wife is creating?”
Parental alienation has been a hot-button topic since Richard Gardner’s theory and the subsequent debate occurred. While the American Psychological Association never recognized Parental Alienation as a diagnostic label, many Court relied on expert testimony in this area in adjudicating custody disputes. The fact is that children do sometimes experience distance in their relationship with a parent. Recent research (Kelly and Johnson, 2001) confirms that there are many reasons for this distance, ranging from realistic estrangement, where a child is distant or rejects a parent who has abused him, to pathological alienation, where a child is distant or rejects a parent due to the influence of the other parent. The middle ground between these extremes contains children who display an allegiance for one parent over the other – who have not been subject to any dynamics of alienation or abuse. The allegiance shown by these children is often age and developmentally appropriate. Alienation exists but it is not a “one size fits all” label and discerning which type of alienation is present is the basis for determining the relative responsibilities of the parents for causing this alienation and, more importantly, helps to identify the necessary treatments for remedying it. Alienated children suffer (Fidler and Bala, 2010) and the ill effects of the alienation persist into adulthood (Baker 2005a, 2005b, 2007) It is critical for their best interest and safety that the problem be accurately identified and treated.
Credit: Dr. David Finn, Rolling Meadows, Illinois
With the recent publication of Jill Egizii and Judge Michele Lowrance’s workbook “Parental Alienation 911,” more attention is being focused in Illinois on parental alienation, it’s pathology, and ways to address it.
The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada once stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.”
So, what are possible causes of Parental Alienation?
Helping Children Resist the Pressure to Choose One Parent Over the Other
By Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. in Caught Between Parents, Psychology Today
Some children of divorce naturally feel caught between their parents as they adjust to two homes, two sets of rules, possibly two neighborhoods, and two families. But what children really want and need is to stay out of their parents’ conflicts and to maintain healthy and strong relationships with both parents (unless, of course, one parent is abusive to the child).
I correspond with Dr. Amy Baker on the subject of Parental Alienation, and consider her research and work in this area the most cutting edge available. Dr. Baker is a nationally recognized expert in parent child relationships, especially children of divorce, parental alienation syndrome, and emotional abuse of children.
Dr. Amy J.L. Baker speaks about PAS from Amy Baker on Vimeo.
Many professionals that work with divorce and custody cases see cases of Parental Alienation. Parental alienation can be defined as a social dynamic, generally occurring due to divorce, when a child expresses unjustified hatred or unreasonably strong dislike of a ” target=”_ parent, making access by the rejected parent difficult or impossible.
Dr. Amy Baker is a nationally recognized expert in parent child relationships, especially children of divorce, parental alienation syndrome, and emotional abuse of children. Her book, pictured here, provides answers to many critical questions surrounding parental alienation, and is a valuable resource at understanding this highly damaging process.
One definition: The alienation is triggered by an alienating parent. In its worst and most pathological forms, the alienating parent acts to align the children to his or her side and together, with the children, campaign to destroy their relationship with the targeted parent. For the campaign to work, the obsessed alienator enmeshes the children’s personalities and beliefs into their own.
I received a letter from Chrissy, who founded Survivors not Victims of PAS. I asked for her permission to reprint her letter to me. It’s a very insightful and heartfelt account of PAS, and its impact on a young woman.
Oh thank you Michael. Yes, I would be happy for you to post it. Im trying to make a diffrence for hurting parents as well as the hurting children. It is my hearts desire to help in the fight against PAS. It effects the children way into adult hood. Im hoping with my story more kids will come forward and share their story as well. If there is anything I can do for you or your parents please let me know. Sometimes hearing or talking is more uplifting than reading it. Im always here.
Thank you for all your hard work and supporting a cause that is dear to my heart. Keep up the life changing work and you have all my support Chrissy
My name is Chrissy. Im the founder of ~Survivors not Victims~. I have many chapters to my book of life as you can see on my website.
But this chapter is on PAS and how it effected me.
When I was 3 my mom meet the man we thought would fullfill our dreams of being a husband and father. This was shatterd shortly after the courting was over. My mother and I where very much abusied by this man. I was always without my mom knowing made known by him that I was not his child. I always wanted his love and approval I hungered after it but nothing I did was right for him. When he yelled at me pure fear would enter my mind would I get hit this time and never ever was I allowed to look him in the eye during these periods. Iwould get flush my ankles would itch the butterfies in my stomach would be overwelming. I tell you these things to help you to understand the power someone can have over your mind even after all this.They eventally had my 2 wonderful brothers.
Continue reading →
Illinois Divorce Lawyer Blog