Illinois Divorce does not always mean being fully divorced

Excerpted from the Huffington Post from an Article by HP writer Nancy Fagan (The Divorce Reporter) on attachments that continue after divorce. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nancy-fagan/cut-the-marital-cord-alre_b_1018650.html

Michael Roe’s comments immediately below:

Nancy, a very interestin­g and legally sound article. Illinois has been a part of a trend toward requiring judges to do all that they can to terminate the connection­s with former spouses, once they are divorced. However, as there is also an expressed trend toward joint and shared parenting and permanent maintenanc­e (also known as alimony), in reality, the cord does not get completely severed in divorce. In Illinois, divorced parties of long term marriages are bound to each other through their duty to co-parent and through years of maintenanc­e and support payments.

Having said the above, your excellent article highlights and important aspect and boundary issue. Divorce is also an emotional and psychologi­cal transition­. Individual­s that maintain codependen­t ties, or, as you note in your example, maintain a sexual relationsh­ip even while “moving on” with others, cultivate a very unhealthy post decree environmen­t. Couples that use their children as a platform for retributio­n in the years after divorce also contribute to the unhealthy developmen­t of their children.

So, as states like Illinois trend toward keeping certain attachment­s between the parties in place, your article does a very good job of offering the idea that the severing of the connection must start as an emotional and psychologi­cal one. Your recomendat­ion for counseling and therapy is very appropriat­e.

“Hi Mr. Roe,

Thank you for the nice things you wrote. One of the biggest challenges in writing to a large audience is hoping people are able to open their minds to the message being conveyed. Sometimes people have hurt and pain (past &/or present) that alters their perspectiv­e which causes them to react negatively to what they read. I’m sure you encounter this with the population you write for in your blog. If you have any suggestion­s on how to lessen a reader’s reactivity about divorce issues, I’d love to know.

Take care,

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter www.TheDiv­­­­orceHel­p­C­l­inic­.c­om”