ILLINOIS DIVORCE LAW BLOG

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I received a letter from Chrissy, who founded Survivors not Victims of PAS. I asked for her permission to reprint her letter to me. It’s a very insightful and heartfelt account of PAS, and its impact on a young woman.

Oh thank you Michael. Yes, I would be happy for you to post it. Im trying to make a diffrence for hurting parents as well as the hurting children. It is my hearts desire to help in the fight against PAS. It effects the children way into adult hood. Im hoping with my story more kids will come forward and share their story as well. If there is anything I can do for you or your parents please let me know. Sometimes hearing or talking is more uplifting than reading it. Im always here.

Thank you for all your hard work and supporting a cause that is dear to my heart. Keep up the life changing work and you have all my support Chrissy

My name is Chrissy. Im the founder of ~Survivors not Victims~. I have many chapters to my book of life as you can see on my website.
But this chapter is on PAS and how it effected me.

When I was 3 my mom meet the man we thought would fullfill our dreams of being a husband and father. This was shatterd shortly after the courting was over. My mother and I where very much abusied by this man. I was always without my mom knowing made known by him that I was not his child. I always wanted his love and approval I hungered after it but nothing I did was right for him. When he yelled at me pure fear would enter my mind would I get hit this time and never ever was I allowed to look him in the eye during these periods. Iwould get flush my ankles would itch the butterfies in my stomach would be overwelming. I tell you these things to help you to understand the power someone can have over your mind even after all this.They eventally had my 2 wonderful brothers.
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I receive a fair numer of calls from individuals looking for a lower cost, lower stress means of pursuing their divorce. Some people report that they want mediation, and describe for me what sounds like Collaborative or Cooperative divorce, and vice versa. Despite the sometimes confusion, one point is clear: people are looking for a better path to take that the traditional bitterly litigated divorce. While mediation is helpful, and favored by Illinois judges, Collaborative and Cooperative divorce practice presents some advantages

Mediation and collaborative practice are two very different practices, but they both have at heart the same sensibility: resolving difficult family disputes in a lower conflict manner. The Oklahoma Family Law Blog highlighted these practices in a recent post, on which I have summarized and commented further:

In mediation, there is one ‘neutral’ who helps the disputing parties try to settle their case. The mediator cannot give either party legal advice, and cannot help either side advocate its position. If one side or the other becomes unreasonable or stubborn, or lacks negotiating skill, or is emotionally distraught, the mediation can become unbalanced. A well trained mediator can try to help bring the parties back to the center, and facilitate resolution of disputes that the parties view as unresolvable. However, some mediations end without a resolution, and the parties return to court with no perceived options left but litigation.

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Of my clients that smartly utilize the collaborative or cooperative model of divorce (ie low conflict) I usually don’t see a need for therapy or transition counseling during a divorce. Some of my clients do benefit, however, from contact with an experienced therpaist skilled in divorce, family conflict, and co-parenting counseling.

Divorce can be an isolating. Divorce is change. Divorce is transition. Divorce can be anxiety-producing, even frightening. My office neighbor, Rhonda Kelloway, LCSW, speaks of the role of a therapist as a “professional, caring companion through this difficult stage in your life journey.” Rhonda speaks of goal setting and charting a course to help her clients reach the goals that they desire for themselves for the future. “My goal,” Rhonda says, “is to help you get back to your best life as quickly as possible.” I like this approach, and have always felt that my clients in the difficult transition of divorce have benefited from counseling.

Rhonda Kelloway can be reached at 630-569-0822.

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I and others are doing some research into the phenomenon of parental alienation, and the onset of PAS in children as a result of a campaign of denigration and alienation by one parent against the ” target=”_ parent. I found a video program below that you might find interesting.
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As many of my cases deal with possible BPD and NPD-type disorders, I see traits of Parental Alienation Syndrome in alienating parents. These cases are very challenging…in part because there are kids being harmed by the alienation and by the pathology directed at them on a daily basis by the alienating parent. Further, the cases can be difficult to manage as the alienating parents are often skillful manipulators that have had some prior success through the years harming the healthy, non-disordered ” target=”_ parent’s legal standing, through false accusations and false orders of protection (often easy to obtain on an ex parte basis). Many disordered parents obtain custody and control of children through manipulation of the court process. In the end, the non-disordered target parent suffers, and the kids suffer, perhaps more, emotionally and developmentally.

There are strategies to combat PAS in custody cases. The article below discusses PAS in some detail.

“Welcome to the Swamp.” by Amy Johnson Conner

That’s what a judge once told a client of a divorce attorney when accusations of parental alienation were leveled against the client in a custody hearing.

Parental alienation syndrome – a controversial diagnosis to describe a child who compulsively denigrates one parent in response to consistent brainwashing by the other parent – has become a not-uncommon theme in custody cases.

According to Richard Gardner, the psychologist who is considered the father of the syndrome, it typically manifests itself as a campaign of denigration by one parent against the other, which is accompanied by weak, frivolous and absurd rationalizations for the deprecation. As a result of this steady campaign of insult, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the targeted parent.

But the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has “no official position on the purported syndrome,” according to a statement in its website.

The legal community is divided as well.
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1. Hanging onto the house at all costs.

Many couples scrambling to obtain a divorce settlement wish to keep the house at any cost. However, keeping the four bedroom marital home may be a financial undertaking that neithe rparty can absorb in the post-divorce environment. Maintenance and child support to the recipient parent can help fund the mortgage and taxes, but some parties find that the burdens of keeping the marital home post-divorce outweigh the benefits, especially in this current home market/mortgage environment.

2. Failing to make a clean financial break.

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BPD is a devastating disorder-both for the person who has it and their family members. Partners often find themselves becoming isolated, losing both family and friends to the craziness and jealousy that sometimes comes with living with a BP partner.

The Effects of Isolation
Isolation is an extremely powerful weapon. It can be used to break people down, causing them to lose hope, self-esteem, and even their individuality. It is effective and swift.
It very unlikely that your partner is consciously using isolation as a tool to get what they need. But it doesn’t matter. It works just the same.
Following are some questions to help you determine if you have become isolated:

· If so, is it because your partner insisted you stop visiting others, was jealous of other friends, or made threats?
· Would you be embarrassed if people knew about your private life?
· Are there absurd “rules” you must follow that you would never tell anyone? For example, one BP was furious at her husband because of the way he chewed. So for the next 15 years of the marriage, he ate in the kitchen. His children thought all fathers ate in the kitchen and were surprised to learn it was different at their friends’ houses.
· Have you made large sacrifices for your partner that have taken you away from friends and family for a long time? For three years, one husband worked two jobs and took care of their three children by himself to avoid “stressing” his BPD wife. Yet at a group therapy session, she angrily claimed he had done “nothing” to support her in years.
· Do you feel so responsible for your partner that you avoid leaving the house?
· When was the last time you made a new friend, took a class, went to a movie your partner didn’t want to see, or took a day trip out of town?
· If you’re on the phone when your partner comes home, do you quickly hang up to avoid answering questions about the call?
· Do you avoid contact with members of the opposite sex when you’re with your partner so you won’t be accused of wanting to have an affair?

Credit: Randi Kreger www.BPDCentral.com Continue reading →

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Technology has improved many aspects of divorce practice and helping families adjust to parenting in two separate households. One example that I think of immediately is the use of ‘virtual visitation,” that is, using high speed internet connections to permit video and audio contact with low conflict parents not able to visit in person with their children. This type of visitation is appropriate in very low conflict divorces with parents that actively support the other parent’s active parenting, and in cases where the nonresidential parent lives a great distance from the children, and is otherwise unable to “visit” the kids consistently in person.

Technology has now come to the Coping and Caring” classes required of divorcing parents in DuPage County, according to the DuPage Family Center:

The Caring, Coping and Children Co-Parenting class is now available online!
Your clients will now have the option to take the course over the internet or in person. Both options have been approved by the 18th Judicial Circuit and meet the State requirements for parenting education in divorce cases.
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The area of Grandparents Rights to custody of grandchildren and visitation with their grandchildren is a compelling area of the law. Is it not true that many children have been raised successfully by their grandparents? How many children look to their grandparents for mentoring, guidance, and love…sometimes qualities not received from their own parents?

The law presently favors the “superior rights” of a natural parent over the rights of grandparents. This seems to to be the law in most states, since the US Supreme Court decided a case concerning the constitutional rights of parents to make decisions about their children, to the exclusion of the rest of the family. There are exceptions to this general rule, but the exceptions are narrowly drawn.

There is a 2007 version of the Grandparent Visitation Act:
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