Illinois Divorce Lawyer Blog
I received a letter from Chrissy, who founded Survivors not Victims of PAS. I asked for her permission to reprint her letter to me. It’s a very insightful and heartfelt account of PAS, and its impact on a young woman.
Oh thank you Michael. Yes, I would be happy for you to post it. Im trying to make a diffrence for hurting parents as well as the hurting children. It is my hearts desire to help in the fight against PAS. It effects the children way into adult hood. Im hoping with my story more kids will come forward and share their story as well. If there is anything I can do for you or your parents please let me know. Sometimes hearing or talking is more uplifting than reading it. Im always here.
Thank you for all your hard work and supporting a cause that is dear to my heart. Keep up the life changing work and you have all my support Chrissy
My name is Chrissy. Im the founder of ~Survivors not Victims~. I have many chapters to my book of life as you can see on my website.
But this chapter is on PAS and how it effected me.
When I was 3 my mom meet the man we thought would fullfill our dreams of being a husband and father. This was shatterd shortly after the courting was over. My mother and I where very much abusied by this man. I was always without my mom knowing made known by him that I was not his child. I always wanted his love and approval I hungered after it but nothing I did was right for him. When he yelled at me pure fear would enter my mind would I get hit this time and never ever was I allowed to look him in the eye during these periods. Iwould get flush my ankles would itch the butterfies in my stomach would be overwelming. I tell you these things to help you to understand the power someone can have over your mind even after all this.They eventally had my 2 wonderful brothers.
After years of abuse I often wondered why she put up with it. I saw and heard alot of things. I was also old enough to remember alot of it. To my brothers I was the best big sister. When they where scared I reassured them. When they where happy I smiled. I took alot of heat to keep that promise of a sister to them. They where the happiest part of my childhood. My mom after many years finally got the guts to leave. He tricked her and said she would get us and he would leave. But it was all a lie. I cant stress enough my mom never LEFT us. But we where led to believe this.
I would watch this strong man fall to the ground in tears so I could hold him to tell him everything would be ok. I started getting angry with my mom. Little by little I heard when I was little my mom was a prositute, she cheated on him, she left all of us, if she gets you I ll never see you again. Ill kill myself was his all time favorite. I could go on and on about all the things I heard about my mom. I all of a sudden started to feel loved. I was the daughter he needed me to be. I was the new caretaker in the family. He needed me. I started to hate my mother.
I never noticed I was being BRAINWASHED. Why is she hurting daddy?
where my thoughts. I was lost, confused, torn. I felt wanted and unwanted all the same time. I was becoming his therapist being told things a daughter should’nt probably hear. My mind was racing with thoughts. Keep in mind I was old enough to remember all the things that happened before the split. Even with all this memory I choose him. He would set me up to get info on my mom when we visted her steal notes listen to phone conversations anything that he could get on her. Even when he said they should talk she would come over and he would without her knowledge tape the coversations. This situation was not normal. He wasnt normal. But I saw it all and still I choose him. The game parents play with the what did mom/dad say about me is emotinally crippling to a child. we feel torn in your web of manipulation. Stop!! As a parent its your job to care for us. We trust you because you are the parent. Its a PRIVLAGE. I got to a point that I felt like I was going crazy but I hated my mom his plan was working and in full force. We where emotinally kidnapped from her. Thats what PAS is. The only way for me to describe it is we are pieces on a chess board the parent keeps moving us pawns but we will never hear the words “checkmate†because we dont know we are playing this game. He is mad that my mom wasnt coming back so we where the revenge. Most parents love their children so whats the perfect punishment for this us the children to be with held. Espically when they made the mistakes in the marriage to begin with.
I became one with his mind, his emotions until I finally thought what he thought. I felt what he felt I hated like he hated. I think this is confusing to other parent but we are now robots there is so much involved with this. Its a skill I tell ya. I eventually all of a sudden was getting material things that I never got before I was allowed to go places and do things I was never allowed to do before. This is all part of the plot. To a child getting all these things is great. But it serves a couple of purposes 1. I can do these things that the other parent cant. 2. Your mom always didnt want you to have it 3. To keep you off track of whats going. This does happen dont be fooled more often than you think. I fell into this. It all part of mind control.
This is ultimate betrayal to the child and we are so warped in the mind we dont know it. It carries into adult hood it lingers like a dark cloud. It crushes the internal spirit of childhood with hate and enraged anger toward the victim parent. Its a punishment we dont deserve but we live. He made me believe he was the victim. He was wounded. Its all about him. he transformed my life there is much more to this story. As anadult I carry this weight. I eventually was thrown to the curb by him when I guess I was no longer needed. But for many years until recently his words come to mind and I think was he right knowing full well that my mother is none of the beastly things he had me believe. I became an angry person with walls so built up around id never let anyone in. I would not be vulnerable to be hurt. My moms and I relationship has been rocky and has needed alot of work but now shes my best friend, supporter,
hero, and most important loving mother. I carried a burden of a broken marriage of hatred to another person it has formed me to be who Iam today finally letting go some of the pieces trying to fiqure out who i am without hurt.
If you are able to make contact with your child take it slow dont rush even when your heart says now. They have walls they where trained that way. They have anger they where trained that way. they where in hatred boot camp for many years. If you push to hard they will get defensive and you’ll start from scratch if ever. They as much as they say NO they want you they want to know they are loved it sounds sick but its in there somewhere. but DONT PUSH. They are controled by a force thats webbed around them they just dont know it. They are hurt crushed lost and tramatised. They might say awful things to you I did to my mom. Things that will break your heart and they know it will buts the anger the brainwashing the robot inside of them. I asked myself even when my relationship seemed good was he right. The mental thoughts are scars but scars heal. It takes time. There is hope it might takes days months even years but what comes around goes around. I have loosened my grip on the hold this man has on my life. At times I still feel abused by him espically since I dont have my brothes. I love my mother and Im grateful to have the relationship I have with her. She has a heart of gold and never desirved any of this all she did was say enough and for this shes payed the highest cost. The thing she cherishes the most was taken from her motherhood. My brothers are still locked into this betrayal i havent seen them in 17 years. I miss them and love them. My mother has not seem them either. I once was the alienator now Im the alienatee. It hurts. I did nothing wrong neither did my mother.. Its also not your childs fault they are the true victims of all of this. Please pray that my brothers will find their way home to the place where they are missed and loved…..
Remember PAS is child abuse. You have read just a glimpse of my heart if you have any ?s let me know. This includes parents that want to know about a child point of you. A person that has been the victim achild or adult that needs to talk your not alone I feel your pain. Everyone. If you are reading this and you are the person causing PAS to a family please read and reread its never to late to turn things around because later you might be the one standing alone. Its hurting the kids more than the victim parent.